Le super shame

today's blog is about shame.

these past 5 days or so i have experienced many different kinds of shame. let us start at thursday night, when my odyssey of emberassment begins with me hooking up with a girl i told myself i wouldn't hook up with again (although really, i couldn't tell you why. i guess i'm just not that into her and don't want to be using/used). i was shamed. however, still more shameful was how that night eventually turned out

WARNING "R" RATED. DIRTY SEX TALKINGS TO COMMENCE, SCROLL DOWN AND AWAY.

so that night we'd gone out dancing and hit a couple of bars. both were awesome times. i enjoy swing dancing as well as drinking. i'm pretty good at both, if i say so myself. so eventually we made it back to my apartment and began the "messing around" portion of the evening. let it be known i have not had sex with this girl due to her policy of no ugly-bumping without a commitment i.e relationship. whether this is her way of hinting at being desireous of a long term thing from me is erroneous, as i'm about interested in THAT prospect as i am in rubbing hot sauce all over my bait n' tackle (which is to say, not terribly interested at all). so anyways, and this is where it gets uncomfortable, she eventually gets down to the hand business on me. which is in itself a damn shame, since she apparantly is just completely against any oral action. i imagine this is because it would stop her from talking for longer than a fucking minute and a half. but i digress, she lays there pumping monotonously for a few minutes... then a few more... then more time passes... and more time.. she's all like "funny, usually i outlast the guys by much longer. not the other way around" (she mentions this because i'd already sent her to the moon, so to speak. twice.) to which i ALMOST reply "funny, usually it doesn't feel like my dick's getting attacked by a hundred hungry rodents" but instead simply say that i'll finish it myself. and proceed to glare angrily in the darkness at the pile of respirating disappointment next to me while furiously tugging my man parts. i hate to leave a job undone. i am shamed it had to come to such actions, hilariously inappropriate as they are. fact of the matter is, some people are just not good in bed. and that too is a shame. also, i promise the story is funnier when i tell it in person.


OKAY ITS DONE YOU CAN READ AGAIN! NO REALLY I PROMISE!

okay so thats done. fast forward to friday. now, recently i picked up a very special kind of facebook friend. this type of friend has a very special title. this special friend is a
STALKER.
one day a couple weeks ago i got a facebook message. i'm all "what? i don't get messages, i'm not important enough. something is fishy" and it was some chick saying she thought my profile pic was cool. i've gotten similar statements about that particular picture so i just said 'thank you' in a message back. this message turned into a conversation which turned into a friend request which IMMEDEATLY TURNED WEIRD. have you ever fb chatted with someone who is able to shoot 7 messages to you in the time it takes you to type one? i have. i didn't even know fb LET you do that its chat is usually so fucked up. so right away i realized i have to always be "offline" whenever i'm online fb chat otherwise i'd be ambushed by weird girl! weird girl who then proceeds to send me messages begging me to unblock her creepy (and also fat and unnattractive in general) ass so she can essentially attack me on chat again. she then insinuates we have a date?? on that saturday? um, what? no, crazy lady, we do not. also, you are crazy. so instead of de-friending her or bluntly explaining my disinterest in her exsistence, i flimsily make excuses for not wanting, essentially, to make friends. and then proceed to ignore the subsequent messages and chat ambushes completely. i am ashamed of myself for this, i know there are more decent ways to deal with a situation like that, i just can't figure them out lol. fact of the matter is, i'm sometimes a bad person.

fast forward again to sunday night. i'd been in the cities for the weekend and was filling up gas on my way back up to dreary duluth when i bought a pack of cigarettes...
wait, what?
i've been trying to quit for about a year now, and recently have been doing pretty okay mostly due to support from friends. however, the second i have money and am left to my own devices, i cave and buy more coffin nails. i smoked two on the way back to d town and promptly hid them from myself. talk about shame. damn. fact of the matter is, i'm a slave to my own impulses and tend to sabotage all my own goals thusly.

then go to just a few hours ago today, monday. when i was perusing the mall looking for new clothes i happened upon a GNC and took a peek inside. i've heard and seen the things whey supplements can do for a man who's looking to build muscle and, being of the non-muscular variety, am pretty curious. suddenly i am accosted by a sales woman with bad hair, a worse tan, and some seriously heinious makeup. i explain to her my curiosity and she tells me that "muscle doesn't come from a can, boy. it comes from hard work." this was good advice. she also told me that the work outs i'm doing now don't build muscle, but tone the body. both are good. i've been tone, but i've always wanted to have more muscle and be physically stronger, but really aren't the supplemental kind of person (i have trouble asking for help) and fear the connotations one draws from such behaviors
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M

dear god, is this what i could become??

i am shamed. my spinyness suffers thusly.
i wish you all be spared from such shames!